In this section, I intend to include the items that I describe as part of my “previous stage”: this is any experiences or thoughts that occurred prior to my complete psychotic break from reality and consequent arrest for second degree murder.
Some of the items included in this section are:
- Childhood and teenage reflections/experiences
- Direct quotes from journal entries starting in 1995-1998
- Other direct evidence such as letters or school papers
All of the above items are useful in that the reader can see for his or her self the “normal” things that occurred in my life as well as the more unusual or peculiar beliefs and experiences that started during my early adult life.
To sum up my past life in just a few paragraphs, I would say I was a bright child that loved to learn and enjoyed school. This also rolled over into my young adult life as a college student. Then my son was born and after I divorced the man who took off in my only car and never came back, I was always living on the bare edge financially. I enjoyed being a mother and was very ecstatic to say the least when I discovered I was pregnant again.
I couldn’t wait for the opportunity to bond my two children and myself as a family unit for the family unit I grew up in was abusive and stressful, and I wanted my children to be close to each other and not so far apart like my sister and I were.
Then when all hell rained down on me and I was taken away from my garden of Eden, I began to realize the terrible reality of what schizophrenia can do to a person. I felt like if it could happen to me-a person who seemed to be doing well and almost finished with a bachelor degree in business making a 3.8 grade point average, it could happen to anyone.
As a result of my experience and my ability to write, (after I finally gained my sanity back), I realized the need to share my perspective with others who may have been like me once for I used to be very judgmental towards parents who killed their children. I was once full of hate and rage towards women who “acted crazy” and said that “God told them” to murder their child…I had no sympathy or understanding of mental illness prior to my experience.
I just pray that if there is anybody out there searching for answers that perhaps my story can help them come to terms with schizophrenia and maybe even prevent such a tragedy as mine from ever occurring.